CRAZY LADY

 if I was a psychopath

you would never leave me

I would cut off your legs

if you tried

tied you to the bed 

just to be sure

and feed you with my body

against your will

but I'm only a crazy lady

a harmless one 

so if you ever leave me

I will only cry 

and those tears will turn 

into an ocean and I will drown

cuz crazy ladies are not a psychopaths

they'd rather die than kill anyone 

JOKE JOKE JOKE

how am I supposed 

to stay sane

when you told me

"God knows where 

he's been and 

what he did"

it's such a lame excuse

to say "he has a mind

of his own"

I lost mine long ago

yet still I can think

of million reasons

why I should not to trust you

it's one of them

I guess you were joking

everything is a 

joke to you anyway

REINCARNATIONS

I hope that we will find each other in another life

and in all the lives that will come after that

we will have a new bodies but the same souls

and I hope that those next lives will be better than this one

with no psychosis and traumas no addictions and pain

I hope we will be just like all those couples out there

drinking wine while watching the sun goes down

kissing after seeing a shooting star

I hope we will sing along to all these crappy love songs

we now hate so much

you know like that one about making love in the back of the car

maybe we will be able to afford one - some luxury land yacht

(sextapes made a lot of people rich as hell!) 

or we could just build ourselves a little house

on some scottish hill near the ocean and live there until we die

again

DON'T YOU THINK?

I sit in darkness

and thinking about that night

we made love three times

while watching Natural Born Killers

I still don't know if it was

Mallory or Mickey who turned you on

we used to joke that one day

we will get a guns and kill everyone

who did us wrong starting with our fathers

and then we will get married

in the middle of an empty road

I think we could do that

as we're both fucked up to the bone

it's kinda romantic don't you think? 

SOMETIMES

 sometimes I talk way too much

sometimes I can't find words

sometimes my voice is  tight

sometimes I scream like crazy

sometimes I love you the most

sometimes I hate your guts

sometimes I feel like flying

sometimes all I want is to lie down

sometimes I'm scared of death

sometimes I want to die 

sometimes I am me

sometimes my evil twin 

DADDY ISSUES

they call it "daddy issues"

but it should be called

"trauma that monster gave me

when I was an innocent child"

I am always straight up honest

when it comes to my childhood

you always struggle to talk about it

you turn it all into joke

but you can't laugh when you 

clearly wanna cry

and you once did but you don't 

even remember that as you were wasted

it kills me to see you suffer

it kills me that you're a slave

to a fucking trammies

and I feel so helpless as there is

nothing I can do to ease the pain

that is tearing you apart

you were keep saying that my love

is all you need to defeat your demons

what a beautiful lie it was

as beautiful as your face when you were crying

cuz you were no longer able to fake a smile

SELF FISH

yes I'm selfish - I cooked a fish by myself

it was so good it made me cry

that fish could live happily ever after

with her Prince Charming in the depths of the pond

but someone killed her for me

my grandpa was fishing every week

I remember running through canes

I remember a fish flapping on the dry desk

longing for a water she needs to survive

my heart was breaking for that fish

but then I ate her and she's living inside of me

since then

I dream about swimming in the ocean

I lie in a bathtub until water gets so cold

it hurts my body

I wonder what that fish felt when she was dying

was she in pain? what was her last thought?

did her friends missed her? 

did they mourned her? 

I will never know

DEATH TO OLD MAID

you served me lies on golden plate

cuz you did not want me to be sad

and the truth would break my heart

but my heart cannot be broken

as it was already shattered

when I was born

damn it how cliche it sounds

my words are so painfully simple

that I just want to scratch my 

brain out and suck it into vacuum cleaner

then set it on fire and dance around it

like some crazy old maid

my grandmom used to call me an old maid

as I was 27 with no man and no child

"such a shame for a woman your age

to be childless and loveless 

you might as well be dead"

LIVE YOUNG DIE FAST

 

the biggest irony of my life 

is wearing a t-shirt that says

live fast - die young

while being scared to death of

dying at early age 

SLUT IN MY DREAMS

Today I dreamt I was with someone else

You're locked up and I'm fucking around

It gave me a huge feeling of being a slut

And I wanted to said sorry when you 

called me this morning but I laughed

Yesterday I bought a t-shirt with 

Bob Dylan's face even though

I used to hate his voice and 

I'm feeling like such a poser now 

but I look pretty good so I guess it's fine 

and I can easily name at least five of his songs 

unlike those dudes wearing Nirvana's t-shirts -

all they know is the name of that one song 

they never heard but someone told them it's cool 

Rather be dead than cool didn't age well 

but at least it still sounds good

PSYCHOTIC BLOOD

blood is flowing 

dripping down 

your face

down your body

rotten body

or so it seems

just take a breath

take another look

see? there is no blood

your face is clean

your body is clean

and it's perfectly fine

you are not decomposing

you're not stinking

like an infected wound

there are no wounds

you're perfectly fine

your body is fine

it's all in your head

your little crazy

psychotic head

MY HEAD

how fucked-up is my head

I'm afraid to smoke a cigarettes

(but I smoke anyway)

I'm afraid to climb the stairs

cuz I may slip and die

I used to want to die

I looked at my pills and wine

wanted to took a whole bunch

but always ended up taking just one

(actually three but I needed a rhyme)

and sipped that wine until I passed out

hoping I will never wake up

but life has its funny ways

and now I fear death 

I'm afraid I'm gonna die and 

I will never see him again 

LEONARD COHEN WANNABE

I wish I could turn my love into music

that would be the most beautiful song ever made

but as soon as my fingers lands on keys

they become too heavy to move

all I can do is write but my words are

never good enough not beautiful enough

I can't come up with a good metaphor

something that would melt the hearts made of stone

I wish I could make everyone cry

and longing for a love like ours

but that's beyond my power beyond my skills

I was born on the day of Leonard Cohen's 

58th birthday but don't even have a bit of his gift

the way he wrote about love was something else

something I aspired to but could never reach that level

and I probably never will but I'll do my best

to tell the world how much you mean to me 

in my own simple words

THIS GODDAMNED YEAR

it's been one month and five days

four more months and twenty days to go

missing you is the hardest thing

I have ever done in my whole life

the crappy and messy life you saved

last year with a simple touch of the hand

in a hopeless place during the worst time

of my crappy and messy and hopeless existance

now all we have are phone calls under control 

sometimes it makes me cry cuz I miss our

late night conversations

I haven't touched you since late February

this year is not very kind to us since 

the begining - like I cried on New Year's Day

while lying naked in your bed

Yes baby I did forget to take my meds 

on purpose actually but yeah whatever nevermind

September can't come soon enough

oh how I wish this goddamned year was already over

YOUR BODY

your body is a work of art

covered in tattoos 

moles birthmarks and scars

I love every inch of you

even your nose you hate so much

I kiss your skin which is so soft

that is hard to believe 

you don't give a shit

about skin care routine

I suck on your Adam's Apple

it got so big cuz back in the day

you were drinking heavily 

at least that's what you said

apparently I'm the first woman

you are making love to

while being sober

and you claim I'm the best

lover you ever had

which was nice to hear -

I was a pure virgin when we met

and I got a little bit scared

when I saw you naked

for the very first time

cuz you know - the tools like this

don't grow on trees